One guy was so invasive in his attempt to put headphones on us so he could play his CD and that he actually succeeded and the track ended up being something about his mama getting shot and it was all just a bit too full on.
Venice Beach is nothing like anything back in Australia - its maybe like Manly Beach on Acid - which sounds like a great idea at the time but you end up really disorientated with a lot of sand up your nose. I was disorientated, as I always am on the West Coast of anywhere (i'm used to ALL beaches facing east) but I had my wits about me and managed to keep the majority of the sand on the beach.
I had an absolute thumping headache and necked about 4 Nurofen when I realised I hadn't had caffeine all day and that a caffeine headache can only be cured with caffeine. As an aside to this situation, I read an article in the American Airlines magazine called "American Way" entitled "America - Caffinated Nation" (i'm in America, der!).
The article was an interesting read as it pointed out that a caffeine addiction is "negativley reinforced" in our psyche just like cigarettes are, so we all stay addicted. We drink to stop the headaches, we smoke to avoid withdrawals.
Interesting! I wonder if soon they will start taxing Caffeine?
It was at 7/11 that i saw the most abhorrent thing on holidays thus far - a morbidly obese man sort of half passed out, half resting by the door of the 7/11;
"*WHEEZE* ... gahd ah ... *HUFF* ... dahllaaah?"
I am not sure how long he had been there but he looked fairly settled in, and it was just an appalling situation to be in, trying to process and reconcile what I had just seen.
- If he is so poor how did he get SO FAT?
- Maybe he is fat as people donate leftover nasty from the 7/11?
- Had he got a good butt groove going on the concrete?
- How will he get up?
- Will he ever get up?
I should have tried a little harder than I did at the time to get a photo of this spectacle of a man (Only in America) but at the time I felt it would have been inappropriate to laugh at his misfortune using a photograph as evidence, as opposed to now, using just the written word. Everyone deserves their dignity, but in hindsite if I was not feeling so moral and ethical at the time, if he did not take to the camera kindly I could have either given him some cash or just not, because what are the chances he's going to stand up at all, let alone chase and (b)eat me.
After this, we drove around some more while listening to Howard Sterns show on Sirius Satellite Radio. As Howard Stern is so brilliant, we were inspired to drive to a bakery across town to get cupcakes some of which were in turn inspired by Howard Stern and his on air team.
Cousin Stephanie was calling the bakery and asking for directions which were helpfully provided by the employee as "its near the car park!" or "just past the mexican restaurant!" As it turned out, getting some relevant directions, such as the nearest cross street, was like getting the 7/11 fat man on his feet - it took us a few goes before we succeeded.
Several phone calls later (to the same employee) we found it - sure enough there was a car park near by and several mexican restaurants, so the employee was helpfully describing about 90% of greater Los Angeles so it really was a special moment when we found those cupcakes.
The cupcakes were divine, I didn't bother taking a photo of them because I started feeling like the fat man at 7/11 with all the junk i'd been eating (6 burgers, 4 days) and to obsess over the beauty of a cupcake was not going to help a thing when it comes to my impending hardened arteries/gout/cholesterol/obesity etc.
I'd rather not have the evidence; unhealthy is denial and cupcakes.
Suffice it to say, the cupcake had about 5cm of frosting, a pretty little carrot made out of frosting and I think beneath the frosting was some carrot cake but with that much frosting going on I really couldn't tell what was happening when I ate it. I can just imagine trying to justify this indulgence to an ex Colleague of mine Jill, who is to health as I am to junk - a keen enthusiast.
"At least it had a carrot on it!"
The dumb part is that I actually got the carrot cake thinking it might be the healthiest of the options, but alas - I am in America.
Cousin Stephanie had the "Artie Lange" cupcake as it is frequently mentioned on the Howard Stern show and she is a devotee if ever there was one. I saw a picture of Artie Lange and he is one fat bastard so I dunno what was going on with her cupcake but it made the carrot one look TOTALLY like the healthy option, so Jill would be proud of my attempts at being healthy. cough, wheeze.
If there is one thing Cousin Stephanie and I share in common aside from some DNA it is a love of good radio. Howard Stern, he is brilliant, I can understand why so many people are offended by him but he "goes there" and that is really refreshing to hear sometimes.
From my limited knowledge of the guy, he started on syndicated broadcast radio around America but was far too risque for public broadcast radio and as such, ended up causing quite the scandal on a couple of occasions. Using Radio as a medium, he successfully involved sex, nudity, porn and lewdity in his show, and rather than being rewarded for his creativity he was promptly was taken off the air.
Now, on Subscription Satellite Radio, he's free to do as he pleases as Satellite is not held to the same "high standards" as the FCC holds the free to air TV networks and public broadcast radio.
It came to me on one of our many looong drives around LA that in Australia we have very little by way of good mainstream celebrities or icons or mouthpieces. Bert Newton and Kerry Ann Kennerley - spare me. John Laws and Alan Jones - well one retired and I am not sure what the other one is up to but he is full of contradictions which are even more insane than the FCC who are still on "Code Red" after Janet Jacksons boob fell out during Superbowl a few years back.
So, I ended up driving the convertible around LA and "getting my wheels" via a baptism of fire - Driving on LA roads and freeways!. And drove I did - I initially got my wheels in the Hollywood Hills, which were incredibly steep and tight and arrow but we made it up there and back down and learning to drive on the wrong side of the road in LA really paid off - The view paid off, LA at night is totally gorgeous and now I know why all the celebrities seem to sleep during the day, it is because they would not be able to see a thing from their houses on the Hollywood Hills for the smog, but by night - heat that plate!
Aside from that, I did some driving around LA at night when the streets were relativley quiet and got FAT BURGER which was absolutely divine despite the politically incorrect (yet strangely, the most appropriate) name.
The next morning we sadly checked out of the Hotel Roosevelt and left its celebrities, its pool, its cable TV, its CCTV, its room service, its pill bottles, its crisp linen sheets - basically everything I value in life I left it all behind.
There was a photo shoot for P Diddy's new something (I never know what he is called or what he is selling these days) and that was cool to watch until we realised it made the valet an absolute clusterfuck of confused people trying to find their cars. Clearly, Sean Coombes paid good coin for that location and made the hotel guests chopped liver for the duration of the shoot.
Speaking of chopped liver, we checked out Canters Deli which is a famous Jewish cafe slash institution not far from where we had been staying, and I wondered how many back room deals had occured in that deli. Maybe the decision to make Britney "THE proverbial cash cow" came from a meeting over a Reuben in a back room at Canters? I will never know, but my quest to find Britney was rekindled.
Having eaten a Reuben for breakfast and feeling an incredible bowel movement on its way, we cruised on over to Melrose where I found a Tea Bean & Coffee Leaf and used their facilities. I quickly ordered a large coffee and went about my business, which involved the not so discrete getting of the key to the bathroom, and when I came out the barista announced really loudly that he had mad mine really hot, coz he thought I might have been a while.
If ever I have been mortified it was then.
So aside from a mercy coffee, all I bought on Melrose was a T-Mobile Sim Card and as it turns out I was in the right place for a COOL NUMBER. THe 323 area code signifies "Los Angeles" to the rest of America and so to drop that into a conversation or onto a form usually got me a second glance, just incase I was famous.
Then it happened - on Melrose: I found Britney.
It happened in a Vintage Tshirt Shop and it wasn't what I expected ie the recovering addict with mental issues that we hear about today. Instead I saw the not-so-innocent gal that had so much going for her in 2004, which was when she'd autographed the wall of the shop.
She had written about her "fine hubby" Kevin Federline who was the "Sexiest Man Alive" and to be honest with you, based on what I know from what I read, that is probably when she was at her happiest; she was free of the corporate money making machines, she was free from her overbearing pageant style parents, she was not pleasing any record label who had managed her life to the point of her never actually having her own life and she had let go - At this time, it really was Britney, bitches.
This is how I like to remember her.
Viva Los Angeles.
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