USA OK?

On arrival at Chicago O'Hare Airport the first world treated me like a poor cousin. On many levels, I was. I was happy to put my feeble and uneducated attempts at Spanish behind me.

Hola, Adios, Por Favor e Gracias!

Note to self: Learn Spanish Again.

The Immigration queue was easily a mile long if you take into consideration how many times it turned back on itself like that Pipe3D screen saver in Windows.

GRR - I hate that screen saver.

An Air India 747 had come in just before my flight and so there were plenty of terrorist threats for The Department of Homeland Security to interrogate before getting around to rubber gloving me.

I noticed how long the US Citizens queue was, and they quickly (oh, the irony) allocated all but 2 processing desks to the card carrying residents, who breezed through with a twangy accent or perhaps a honk of their home town ("Cincinnati Ohio YEA-AH!") as proof of residence.

The US Citizen queue also had full metal jacket style marine security detail, impressively armed to the hilt. The terror from within??

The Non US line was staffed by 3 unarmed Polish ladies of outsourced Airport Worker nature. When I asked if I was in the right queue, I was told "Yes, of course, this is Hello" and thrust a series of forms with no explanation.

The Polish ladies spoke no English or Indian, the Indians spoke no English or Polish. I knew I was in for a painfully long game of Pictionary/Cluedo/Charades with Immigration. This was going to be worse than that time I was at a dinner party with post dinner entertainment involving a PlayStation, a board game and questions no one could answer.

On the Immigration Form there is a question asking whether you are a Nazi wanted for war crimes - Y/N.

Given the level of frustration I had with the Polish chicks, I was seriously considering ticking Y.

I'm not sure whether we can laugh about WWII yet so I ticked N. I wonder if anyone ever does tick Y?

Its a very strange question none the less. Maybe a "yes" would make them do *some* work? The alternative is standing around yakking in the mother tongue about god knows what - certainly not how to manage a queue or help people make a connecting flight.

Even if you DO have a connecting flight, its all "Yes, Of Course, This is Queue....yackety-yak-yak-yak-yak".

At one point an officer from Department of Homeland Security came over and started trying to chat up one of the Polish ladies. In return, she was flirting in such broken English. The whole situation made me want to die and take the humiliation with me in the same way Jesus did our sins - I wanted to relieve the world of future awkwardness. I really am Saint Dave of the Airport Queue s- I preach tolerance, understanding and death if you dare humiliate yourself in front of others and burden us with the memory.

I finally made it through the queue and got as far as the 20 questions from the border control guy, who was American and spoke English. Hooray! He asked all manner of questions about my background, my employment history and everything in between.

I got really paranoid because he was reading the computer screen at the same time - what did they know - am i in the system?

I broke out into a sweat, which made me even more paranoid.

They were totally on to me.

The questions continued and after a while - maybe it was the nerves - maybe I was tired - Either way, I was so sick of trying to explain my answer to "Why did you leave your last job?" when the answer was found in the short story "I'm a Contractor" which had the line "3 month contract extended by 6 months".

Bored, over it and miserable, I cheered myself up by making friendly Australian conversation (read: i back chat him) about how he liked his job, how long he'd worked there, why did he leave his last job etc.

I got a swift stamp in my passport and a glare which said "get the fuck out of here before your next vacation is Guantanamo".

An airport dash through the terminals of Chicago O'Hare ensued, evoking the memory of the unfortunate Culkin Family in that movie Home Alone. I hit a roadblock with the terminal train I had to use to go from here to there for a domestic connection to San Francisco (SFO).

I only just barely made it.

They had already shut the door to the jetbridge and were minutes away from blowing my bags up for being a No-Show.

I copped a lecture from the American Airlines chick for being gate-late and gave it back ten fold, being very careful not to totally diss the security measures the US has in place.

"Rah rah rah, I UNDERSTAND WHY but rah rah rah, ITS NOT MY FAULT" etc.

I had to be careful - Guantanamo was still a possibility. I will never forget the time that my dad cracked a joke in the Detroit Airport security line about how we were Australian Terrorists.

My mum, sister and I all backed away from him faster than if he had said he had an incredibly contagious case of genital leprosy. I am sure that little episode comes up on the computer screen every time i go through US Immigration. I am positive this is why they ask me so many questions but let Akbar from Air India through with little more than a "yes, of course".

Nice time of year for Guantanamo, I can't say I'd enjoy Abu Ghraib in the summer.

I turned it up on the SFO flight as the sound in my seat did not work and rather than amusing myself with a book or my laptop; I was in a well stinky mood. I had no end of pent up anger and frustration I decided to get up the American Airlines Purser and hopefully score some free food and drink, a total rarity when flying a US Carrier especially American Airlines. The purser was dead nice about "the situation" and I felt really bad about ranting as much as I did.

After a couple of complimentary drinks and complimentary access to the buy-on-board meal cart, plus a change of seat to the Exit Row Window (yehar!) I felt better. The sound did not work on the new seat either, but by now it didn't matter - I was drunk.

Back in SFO, land of milk and honey. I was expecting Cousin Stephanie to pick me up but saw that Aunty Ailsa had come, with Cousin Stephanie in the passenger seat. This was unexpected and I knew something was up and it couldn't be good. It turned out Cousin Stephanie had a real day of it as their cat, Preston, had been involved in a brawl with the cat next door, and lost.

Preston is really old and can't defend the territory like it could "back in the day", and so a trip to the vet was in order.

Cousin Stephanie has absolutely no sense of smell which means she is the designated driver when it comes to taking Preston in the car. Preston, for his part, has absolutely no desire to travel in the car nor be at the vet and he takes these opportunities to clear his stomach and bowel.

He thinks he is human - We can all sympathize with the desire for comfort while traveling!

It is said by some in our family that Cousin Stephanie keeps Preston alive through pure love and affection. Cousin Stephanie empathized with Prestons situation as if the cat next door had directly attacked her, causing an injury such as the loss of sight or the gain of smell.

When we arrived back in Palo Alto I was pretty keen to see how Preston was holding up given the horrific version of events I had heard in the car. The stoic silence of Cousin Stephanie led me to believe that she was dwelling on possible revenge plans for the cat next door. This was situation critical and it dawned on me that we were only hours away from having a war room set up, in front of the television.

As a side note, this concept of giving too much of a shit about a cat when it gets into a fight was foreign to me.

My family had a cat, Bingo, and as much as we loved and adored him and showered him with no end of unnecessary attention, we totally drew the line at putting Bingo in the car for medical attention. We tried it once and it went so pear shaped - Bingo went berserk my mum and sister ended up getting so scratched and traumatized that THEY ended up requiring medical attention.

Bing was just fine, for 20 long, loving years.

It was one of those unspoken arrangements that we would let nature take its course should the need arise for future feline medical attention. Bingo was feral, he came from moggy background and so we lovingly assumed he had a thick skin even when he had the mange, was skinny and half dead. We were praying he would go soon ("he won't last the winter") so we could all sleep in without all that AAAOORRWAAA wailing guilt trip bullshit at 7am when he wanted to be fed.

I must admit, I got him stoned once or twice when he looked a bit beaten up - this made him eat more and sleep more which is, as we all know, the best remedy for what ails ya.

Back to Preston, bless him, he was higher than a kite on kitty pain killers and I must admit I was a little jealous at this point.

No one cared about MY day; trouble with Immigration, American Airlines - it paled in comparison. Nooo...Preston had a bad day AND got a valium.

Oh, to be a feline in my family - we just dope 'em up.

I cat sat Preston during my stay in SFO as he was incredibly grumpy after his fight and stopped eating. Everyone else had lives to lead, where as I was falling out of bed at the crack of noon and doing not much else (it was my holiday after all!). I tried to encourage happiness by enabling Prestons favourite past time. - licking water off leaves of outdoor plants. I would escort him outside, sitting guard against the Terrorist Cat next door. On request, I would re-water the plant.

AAAAOORRWWAA!!!!

I even made him an Art Deco styled box out of excess USPS boxes I had bought - this box was a total work of art and was designed with the discerning cat in mind. It had lots of edges on which he could scratch himself, it had a front door and a patio and a full view of the fridge and feed bowl.

AAAAOORRWWAA!!!!

Cousin Stephanie kept up with her undivided love and affection; Aunty Ailsa put his water bowl on a box so he didn't have to bend over to drink - It was never enough.

AAAAOORRWWAA!!!!

Another trip to the Vet, he was given some more medicine. This included some Thyroid medicine which had been prescribed in the past, that Nurse Stephanie had forgotten to administer. Love and affection indeed! Needless to say, after this he made a complete recovery.

Here is a video of me cat sitting Preston while he licked water off the leaves: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPmR3ZalLOo



Independence Day rocked around and I was pretty excited to share this most American days with my American family. We had planned a family bun-fight for the evening. Cousin Stephanie and I, always the keen errand-runners (especially where a parental credit card is concerned) decided to go to the store. We stopped first at WalMart, so I could experience this monstrosity in all of its Independence Day Glory.

"Wel-a-come tu Wal-a-Mart-a" was the mangled greeting.

The first of many morbidly obese woman rolled by in one of those carts with the flag designed to make the elderly more mobile. The bargains were great: I got a T-shirt of the American Flag and the words 'Faded Glory' which was so subversive I could not believe Walmart had them for $3.

US dissidents have really sold out, I yearn for the days when people actually made statements and had causes, not just a rack in WalMart.

I found 88c TV dinners consisting of Chicken nuggets, macaroni cheese and corn. I just had to buy and try - later in my stay I actually did. The meal had no flavor and had a texture like an old sock. I was basically eating processed goat feed. I guess all those greeters on minimum wage need to eat some how, and I guess flavor is one of those "value-adds" that WalMart passes on order to "pass on the savings!".

I am not sure whether cat food is cheaper (Prestons Gourmet Vet Only cat food is definitely not cheaper) but my nose tells me that it would at least bring flavor to the table.

After that we did a tour of Trader Joes, quite possibly the most amazing store i have ever seen in my life. I could write a whole blog on their range of "Inspected for Wholesomeness by the US Department of Agriculture" food - whatever that means, but it tasted great.

The day Trader Joes opens in Australia is the day I buy one of those mobile elderly flag cart things for myself.

Family dinner was amazing. Aunty Ailsa prepared refreshing salads as Cousin Stephanie and I cranked up the Breville and grilled a selection of meat. Uncle Steve prepared our families signature dish - Cucumber Salad; California Style.

Basically everyone in my Aussie-Hungarian family makes a vinegary cucumber salad and they all slightly vary in style. California Style is controversial in that it uses the herb Dill as opposed to the more traditional basic vinegar/water solution. Across the board, we all agree it tastes better the longer it stays in the fridge. The only problem is it never really stays more than 2 days in the fridge before someone has finished it.

Its our "thing".

San Francisco was spent in the kind of malaise I'd be in at my parents house; oh how I love family.

We set the DVR/Tivo to record quality television as Living Lohan, Denise Richards - "Its Complicated", The View, and other TV shows which looked too bad to be good.

Living Lohan was by far the worst as, despite the Tabloid Clusterfuck name, it had zero celebrity, lots of hangers on and was unashamedly BAD.

Person: Talent, do you know Ali Lohan?
Talent: I am not familiar with that one. I met her sister once...

Denise Richards is anything but complicated, she is a big pot of crazy slightly steaming away and then BOOM - the lid hits the roof, credit to Kathy Griffin for that call. Denise has no fucking idea, but its trainwreck TV that i love to hate and so I watched it. Finger on the pulse.

I saw a great show highlighting the various Southern Barbecue cooking methods and I knew at some point I had to get me some Barbeque. This is not like Australian Barbeque (that is "grill") the southerners cook the shit out of the meat and then lay on this amazing BBQ sauce. Barbecue is quite possibly the only reason I would fly across America and land somewhere that is not NYC or LAX/SFO.

Its hard discussing the rest of what I did in San Francisco as for the most part I was hanging out with Cousin Stephanie who had wizened up to my blogging and so whenever something happened it was "OFF THE RECORD".

GRR, i hate Off the Record.

So, without being specific about how we amused ourselves, we seemed to run a marathon of errands which were for the most part fruitless or based on my desire to drive somewhere. If the errand were fruitful it usually meant that we scored stuff that was entirely unnecessary to the greater cause or doing something relating to Cousin Stephanies company.

Company errands generally ran to time and budget and more often than not involved going to Home Depot, which was kind of cool.

One of our errands resulted in unplanned Southern Barbecue which was not a part of the greater cause but was incredibly fulfilling given the TV show I had previously seen.

Another time we ended up cruising Apple stores to scope out the news-making queues for the iPhone launch the next day. FINGER ON THE PULSE - I was so close to Apple HQ at 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, CA. Cute.

We stalked a lot of iPhone stores over a number of days and when we went in for the kill they were sold out - doh!

I'd go as far as to say we made a sport out of it: Extreme Errand Marathon.

An example, is in 1 hour going to Home Depot, Starbucks, Apple Store #1, Seed Store, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, Pet store, somewhere else and Home. BOOM! We definitely streamlined our days, which almost always included a tour of local fast food establishments, errands, work and a DVD marathon. Check it out on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyYDFHFwC-8



I really did enjoy driving around the USA, the interstate system is so much fun. Given that the majority of my driving ended up with an In & Out burger it was double fun.

From time to time I assisted Cousin Stephanie with her work. This was mutually beneficial -I had to fund my arse around the world; she needed an extra set of hands.

Cousin Stephanie runs a small business which involves hard labor, some of which she performs herself. She follows that time honored US tradition of employing 'Day Laborers' and 'Their Mates' - who were really nice, pleasant guys and hard workers to boot. Hard to understand at times but we had fun. My various questions like"what does Mamacita mean and how is it used?"were met with a game of charades in which the lewd actions completely explained the colloquial Mexican saying and then some.

Its a mystery to me why these guys aren't working Chicago O'Hare Immigration... wait up!

I worked as efficiently as a disabled man changing a flat tire on the interstate in 40*c heat and so my first and last foray into hard labor was entirely forgettable. I volunteered to get los amigo's Subway for dinner each night and I did that almost perfectly and without any procrastination, despite forgetting who wanted Queso on their Jamon sub.

I found access to the roof of the building and thought it was the right thing to do to invite my boss up to take a little time and enjoy the view.

Despite all this, when there were goals set and an end in sight I worked really fucking hard and kind of enjoyed it - definitely fun running around an empty construction site occasionally being productive and not just a nuisance.

The weekend rocked around and Cousin Jeff arrived back from a stint in Florida finishing up on the project he literally launched in the days before Cousin Gregs wedding. I mean LAUNCHED. Into Space, not into the ether like on any of my projects.

Saturday night We had secured 3 tickets to see KATHY GRIFFIN LIVE at Concord, CA - a town about an hour or so's drive from Palo Alto. How fucking exciting, I totally rate Kathy Griffin. To see her live - AMAZING.

I "drove like the wind" along various interstates taking into consideration Detours and a tour of the nearest Fatburger fast-food establishment, the only one of its kind near San Francisco.

We managed to get to Kathy just in time, and we had pretty decent seats, and a fantastic parking spot. The gay parking lot attendant mafia was looking out for its Australian brethren!

Kathy Griffin is just an amazing entertainer, she is so real and just outrageously funny. Her show "My Life on the D List" is the absolute pinnacle of Reality TV as nothing in her life is scripted (unlike say, a Lohan production) and Kathy rolls with the punches. Her father died, she was recently divorced as her husband was defrauding her - Kathy deals, and she's bloody good.

When it comes to hanging shit on E List celebrities (like say, Ali Lohan and Denise Richards), she 'goes' there. She also tells stories of personal experience that celebrities would rather you didn't hear. Like how she got re-banned from 'The View' for broadcasting a conversation she had with Barbara Walters had about Lube. She says what other people dare not allegedly say.

For a pop culture junkie like me she is my one and only god - suck it jesus!

(Kathy Griffin got in trouble for saying "suck it Jesus" after receiving an Emmy award and saying it was her new God)

Given how the USA sells out at absolutely every opportunity (think AT&T Stadium, American Airlines Arena etc), Kathy Griffin was playing at the Concord - Sleepy Time Pavilion. How funny is that, the signs on the way in say "Sleepytime, your ticket to a good nights sleep".

Hardly what you want from a show, but Kathy managed to keep us all awake while she cracked it for a good 2 hours.

Seeing Kathy was definitely one of the seven wonders of my trip. Check it out on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqyVX_VisSk



Over all, I had the most fun in San Francisco hanging out with my family and getting to know them in a way that can't happen over one family dinner every few years. My clan are spread far and wide and to actually be able to experience family life on the other side of the world was cool. To realize that the SFO faction is almost the same as mine - the sibling rivalries; the obsession with trashy TV; the parents who wished we would watch less tv and eat healthier.

Blood runs thicker than the water that separates us.

Cousin Preston

WalMart on Independence Day

Extreme Errand Marathon

In and Out Drive Thru

Hard Labor

Videos

GRRR!!